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One fellow at a rest stop once remarked something extremely horrible to me. But he quickly continued with one of the most heartfelt "sorry"s I’ve once experienced. It happened at a roadside stop some time back. I was refueling near the gasoline nozzle. Spotting me, he rapped on the car window, and after I lowered the glass he leaned inside and uttered a crude remark. Some might call it teasing, I suppose, but it was still disgusting. My little ones were in the backseat, looking confused surprise. Distressed more than furious, I got out, filled up and entered the shop, just to see him lingering around the car when I returned. He rested his hand on my upper back and announced, “Forgive me mate. I had no idea you had your kids in the car. I apologise for that.” There was something about that final phrase which stood out, in some way adding just the right degree of sincerity.

The Study on Expressing Regret

I wasn’t particularly pleased to have the event revisited lately when I came across a research paper, shared by the a psychological association, on how the number of letters of the words you use when you say you’re sorry are crucial in communicating your genuineness. Expressing regret always intrigue me because, from my perspective, without contrition on one side and acceptance on the other, relationships break down.

During my youth I had a instructor who talked about the notion of decay. He said if leaves didn’t decay, we’d be buried in them. I share that view about apologies – if they’re not offered and accepted, we might become swamped in negativity. Therefore, I’m one of those people whose anger and letdown about something an offensive remark will often vanish the moment regret is expressed. I’m unsure whether this makes me a nice person, or somewhat superficial. Conversely, if I’m the one doing the apologising, and the apology is refused, I get very angry and disappointed for sure, which isn’t really cricket either.

Bigger Vocabulary and Sincerity

The paper, which looked at text-based rather than oral sorries, finds that people who use more elaborate terms in their expressions of regret are have a better chance to communicate genuineness. So, saying you’re “genuinely” sorry is better than “very” sorry. Apparently the “greater production effort” needed in saying those additional sounds does make a small impact. Using this logic, the French are way ahead of us. They certainly put effort into their apologies. When the language of France for a basic “I regret” is something as dramatic and somewhat elegant as “Je suis désolé”, you wonder where they go from there. What do you say if you feel beyond merely sorry about the thing you’re saying sorry for? A friend of mine in France mentioned he’d go for “Please receive my heartfelt regrets”, meaning, “I beg you to take my deepest regrets”. This represents what I call a production effort. OK, anyway, relax, I forgive you, no problem.

Less is More

Be it in person or on the page, for me short and sweet. A simple “sorry” will suffice. “I regret”, if necessary. And OK, if you’ve seriously wronged me you can throw in a truly, a honestly, or even an abjectly. If you go further and I may wonder you have hurt me more badly than I was aware.

It’s worth noting that, similar to the majority of research studies, much of the wording in which the study is written is quite over my head. To illustrate, something called iconicity appears frequently. There are 290,000 words defined in my reference book, and the word iconicity doesn’t appear. Still, I persevered regardless and hope I’ve grasped the essence the research over well. In case I erred, it's possible Shiri Lev-Ari, researcher in psychology at Royal Holloway, a renowned school, could get in touch so I can say sorry to her at however elaborate she desires.