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I am marking 90 days of sobriety and seeking advice on helping my eleven-year-old neurodivergent son. Through rehab and support groups, I've reached this milestone, though my drinking intensified over the last couple of years. Previously, I was alcohol-free for the initial six years of his life.

The Effect of Past Challenges

Towards the end, my alcohol consumption was non-stop, and my son witnessed me unstable and miserable. He developed a feeling of duty, believing he was the sole person who could stop me from drinking by physically removing bottles. I am utterly ashamed about this. I have often told him that I alone can manage my behavior.

He lived with his father for several months—we divorced five years ago, but his father is helpful of my recovery. He moved back in with me when he began secondary school in September. Trust between us is slowly growing as he sees that I am not drinking and devoting all my energy into getting better.

Current Challenges and Feelings

He remains hyper-vigilant and worried about my well-being. This means, he is terribly controlling of my actions—in part due to anxiety about my drinking, but also because he is autistic and anxious about anything unpredictable. I'm focusing on self-assurance and boundaries; it would be easy to yield to his requests, but that isn't appropriate as a parent. It's challenging as I also feel enormously guilty.

I referred to family support while in rehab, and we are waiting for help for my son from local substance abuse support. Meanwhile, I feel really uncertain about how to talk with him. I aim not to cause him distress, but I also don't want to overlook the past. In what way do we progress?

Expert Advice on Healing

Young ones require a sense of secure, particularly after unpredictable times when they couldn't be sure if their caregiver could protect them safe. They may be concerned about raising these topics now. Children tend to believe things are their fault—blaming themselves instead of their guardians, as the alternative feels too threatening. Being autistic can intensify these feelings.

People in the midst of addiction frequently make promises they may not be able to fulfill. It can be difficult for family members to determine what to believe.

It's common for those in addiction to offer assurances they cannot uphold. As a result, family can find it hard to trust them. Along with boundaries, it's very important to be consistent and demonstrate your son that situations have improved, rather than just telling him.

Useful Steps for Communication and Assistance

Concentrate on him settling in at school and establish a good schedule. Then, present the idea that any topic is off the discussion table—if that is indeed the case. Dinner times can be a good moment to talk, as can side-by-side activities like walking or driving, since they involve minimal eye contact, which individuals find overwhelming. Maybe there's an activity you and your son enjoy sharing? Avoid thinking "we need to discuss," but look for opportunities for dialogue and see if they happen. Also, think about your son's favored method of expressing himself—it may not be speaking; it could be written, or a mix of both.

It is important for him to know that his safe place apart from home might be with his father. You should avoid feeling hurt if he chooses to go there at times. This isn't a sign you've done poorly—it's a journey that won't be straightforward.

Separating Your Needs from His

It's vital to distinguish your needs from your son's. Ensure you're not comforting him to ease your own guilt—for your own relief—because you cannot do that through your son. You can better focus on what he requires if you receive good support yourself.

You are making really well. Continue forward.