Asexuality represents a Spectrum: Navigating Sexual Desire and Pleasure in a Partnership
Her Journey: Understanding Her Asexual Nature
Sarah, 37: I have never been fond of sex. Growing up, I felt broken because everyone put it on a pedestal.”
The only topic that her partner and I have clashed over is intimacy in our relationship. After meeting nine years ago, physical intimacy was certainly something he wanted more often than I did. Following a few months of seeing each other, we decided to pursue a non-monogamous setup so that he could connect with partners who are more sexual than I am.
There were moments of insecurity at first, but our bond was reinforced thanks to honest talks, and I came to feel very confident in our love. It’s been a huge blessing for both of us, as I have never craved sex. As a teen, I thought out of place since others idealized it, but I couldn’t grasped the appeal about it.
Upon finding literature on asexuality through a post a while back, it was an eye-opener. I was shocked, as back then I thought of myself as a a person who enjoys sex – I like to masturbate, and I experienced a fair amount of sex in my 20s. But I think I engaged in much of that intimacy due to the fact that I experienced shame – an effect of my youth in a society that tells us one must satisfy your partner.
What the book taught me was that asexuality is a wide range. For example, I experience no urge, even for people who I admire visually. I appreciate their appearance, but I do not wish to engage sexually with them. But I appreciate having orgasms. In my view, it’s enjoyable and it provides relief – a means to clear out everything on my mind mentally.
It was incredibly liberating to reveal to Cameron that I identify as asexual. He supports this. We continue to have sex, since I feel deep connection as well as bonding with him when we do, and I am deliberately opting when I desire to connect with him through that act. It isn’t that I have a sexual desire, but there are alternative purposes to be intimate, like wanting to be close. I notice his satisfaction, and that brings me joy. Similarly that a person who is not asexual can opt to abstain, I am able to choose to be physical for different purposes than sexual excitement.
His Perspective: Love Outside of Sex
A 36-year-old man: The fact that sex isn’t central does not imply that love is lacking.”
Sex used to be extremely significant to me. It was the source from which I gained plenty of my self-worth. I was sick and in hospital often in my youth, so intimacy turned into something that I thought offered mastery over my body. It then really change after meeting Sarah, because sex wasn’t the central focus in our relationship.
Alongside her, I began seeing greater worth in different aspects of myself, and it reduced the importance of sex. I do not wish to engage sexually with anyone else anymore. Whenever I experience the urge for intimacy, there are different approaches to address it. Self-pleasure is an option, but it might involve going for a stroll, reflecting on what I’m feeling or creative expression.
After Sarah realized her identity, I came to see that connection is focused on bonding. That can come via physical intimacy, but additionally via other methods that are equally worthy and gratifying. I once had a specific idea of what asexuality was – without sexual activity, you didn’t ever feel arousal. But it varies widely, and it takes time to figure out where you stand on it.
Our relationship has lasted for almost a decade, and just because sex isn’t a priority does not imply that romance is lacking. Planning intentional periods for connection is very important for us. Occasionally we’ll get creative projects and assemble them a little bit every morning, which seems deeply bonding. Sometimes we’ll have a date night and head out for a mocktail and a pizza. We embrace and set goals down the road, which is a form of care. I get much satisfaction from cooking for other people, and it makes me deeply fulfilled in a kind of afterglow of sex.
This aspect has broadened the understanding of our partnership. It’s like reducing the resources at your disposal for your relationship – you have to find new ways with what you have. It pushes you to consider from new angles. But it did not lessen the bond that I feel for her in any way.
